Manners

"The veneer of Civilization is one-half inch thick, man still thinks with club and prick"
- Unknown

"Moving parts in rubbing contact require lubrication to avoid excessive wear. Honorifics and formal politeness provide lubrication where people rub together. Often the very young, the untraveled, the naive, the unsophisticated deplore these formalities as "empty," "meaningless," or "dishonest," and scorn to use them. No matter how "pure" their motives, they thereby throw sand into machinery that does not work too well at best."
-Robert A. Heinlein.


Politeness…Honorifics…Common courtesy. It seems we, as a generation have grown up with a…well…if not a bad taste in our mouths at least a vague distaste and lack of understanding as to the meaning of those words. In their place has sprung up a culture of fake over familiarity, uncaring neglect and downright meanness. In this post I'd like to talk more in depth as to just exactly what politeness is, isn't, where it comes from and why it has been all but abandoned in today's society.
I heard a story once of an Inuit (Eskimo) long ago who found a white man half frozen on the tundra. He took the man to his wigwam, took his wet clothes off and stuffed him in a freshly killed carcass to warm him and prevent frostbite. The white man was horrified at this and struggled to get free of the mass of intestines and gore in which he found himself cursing loudly the whole time. The Inuit man was puzzled and a bit shocked at this, but chalked it up to a bad day for the white man and let it go at that. Next he served the white man the best food he had in his house…seals eyes, and whale blubber. The white man turned up his nose at the offered food and actually retched after trying some of the fare. This was an awful affront to the Inuit man, but he allowed that the white man might be a little sick from his ordeal and shrugged it off. That night he put the white man in his bed while he slept upon the cold floor. As was tradition he bade his wife to sleep with the guest to keep him warm and make him feel at home. The white man was horrified when the Inuit woman stripped naked and covered herself with bear fat before slipping under the covers to snuggle against him. He was so distraught that he kicked the Inuit woman from under the covers. The look on his face was easy to read even if the Inuit man could not understand his language; he was disgusted. This was the last straw for the Inuit man; he took up his whale lance and killed the white man on the spot.

In this short story we see by it's absence what politeness is; It's a way, in the absence of law, common language, and civilization, for folk to communicate their respect and good intentions to others. In other words, Courtesy can keep you from getting killed. Sound stupid? Just think about it for a minute. With modern "gang culture" elaborate handshakes and rituals have evolved to minimize perceived "disrespecting" behavior and the retribution that it evokes. The gang bangers would not call this politeness, but that's exactly what it is. Consider the handshake, invented in the old west to show another man that you in fact carried no gun. Consider as well how mad you get when someone cuts you off in traffic, but how you easily pass it off while getting in line at the supermarket when you receive an ingratiating smile and a mumbled "sorry". Have you ever met someone in a business environment that was too familiar too quickly and started the entire encounter off calling you "Dude" or some other such nonsense? How did you perceive this person? Chances are you were distrustful and maybe slightly offended, at least a little bit, at first.

Politeness is not lowering your self beneath someone. The young and the disenfranchised tend to believe this and often are confused when they get passed over for promotions and jobs that go to "the suck ass". Chances are the promoted was not so much a brown nosier, as he was adept at common courtesy. Honorifics such as "Sir", "Ma'am," "Ms," "Mr." & "miss" are simply the minimum amount of honor we are all entitled to as human beings. To give a stranger less is to invite confusion and offence. To accept less is to invite trouble.

My ex-wife is black, and we have two children. In a biracial marriage one of the things you look for, as trouble is an older white couple. These people, while probably good folk in their own right, grew up with a different set of beliefs and morals. They were usually the first to look down their noses as my wife and I and their cold stares, should they be seated near us often made a pleasant dinner out into something…less. My kids are lifesavers in cases like these. I would forget my self and be ready to cuss, kick, and scream should they say a word, while my wife would assume a cold aloofness that would make royalty seem low. My kids though…blissfully unaware of intolerance, racial hatred , perceived impropriety and more than willing to chat up anybody… any where…about anything…anytime, diffused many an uncomfortable situation buy the judicial use of "Excuse me sir!" or "I like your dress, Ma'am!" It has never failed to amaze me, more often than not, faces would thaw and suddenly tenuous attempts at conversation would come our way.

This happens because my kids are The Best Kids Ever, but I think that perhaps the fact that they are polite and well spoken helps somewhat as well. Be that as it may, I'm proud of my children, and the fact that they are polite makes me think that maybe I've not screwed up too much in raising them.

Did our parents screw up in raising us? Why has politeness fallen out of vogue? Despite my buddies contention that it was the French during WW2 that laid to seeds of this dilemma, by corrupting us with their decadence. I believe the answer lies in many different places, the French included. We in America tend to glorify rogues, and as a consequence most of our tough guys aren't polite. With TV taking up more and more of out time, the art and profession of good conversation has become somewhat antiquated, with a resultant loss of the rules of good discourse, manners are the first to go.

I've a friend who one time posed to me a question; "what would the world be like if one day everyone got out of bed and decided, for just this one day, to do no evil?" The answer was obvious; for that one-day, we'd have heaven on earth. I'm not saying that being polite will cure world hunger, stop terrorism, engender world peace, or make heaven on earth, but it sure can't hurt. It's easy to do, it makes you look smarter than you really are, and it's an easement. Try it, you may be surprised at the results.



Thanks,



Shane